


==> Dave: Protect your Heir's nudes.

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Humanstuck, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, M/M, Pesterlog, i guess, they're 17 so not underage where i'm from but w/e
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-18
Updated: 2016-03-18
Packaged: 2018-05-27 10:00:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6280081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>EB: why are you suddenly the knight of my peen's honor?</p><p>TG: i have always been the knight of your peens honor</p><p>A.K.A. Boys talking about their dicks and generally being stupid together. (What's new?)<br/>A.A.K.A John sends the wrong picture (that is not his pet salamander, that's a different snake all together) and Dave fucks up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	==> Dave: Protect your Heir's nudes.

**Author's Note:**

> based off an RP i did on msparp and can't find now. so, if that was you, hmu

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 23:13 --   
  
EB: dude, dave, dude.  
EB: look at casey. blub blub. salamanders are awesome.  
EB: aren't they awesome?  
  
\-- ectoBiologist [EB] sent turntechGodhead [TG] the file "photo_26.jpg" --   
  
TG: uh  
EB: oh my god.  
EB: don't open that.  
TG: too late  
EB: i am so sorry.  
EB: delete it.  
EB: delete it and we can never talk about it again.  
TG: its deleted  
TG: but you dont have to be sorry  
TG: we all make mistakes  
TG: but not every day does such a hard  
TG: mistake occurs  
TG: guess the  
TG: length  
TG: of time that this memory will haunt you will be terribly long  
EB: i'm going to cry.  
EB: stop.  
EB: dude.  
TG: okay fine  
TG: im done  
TG: you could say im  
TG: finished  
TG: but yeah dont worry about it  
TG: besides this isnt the first time ive seen your dick  
EB: wait. what?  
TG: remember at roxys pool party  
TG: i hope i dont have to go into detail  
TG: i might get a boner  
EB: what? i don't remember that!  
EB: you saw my dick? oh my god.  
EB: oooh my god.  
TG: oh my god dude i thought you noticed  
EB: no!!  
TG: well  
TG: when we were taking turns using the bathroom  
TG: yknow  
TG: to shower  
TG: and you were showering  
TG: you forgot to lock the door  
TG: and the door thing of the shower was kinda glass  
TG: so i walked in by accident  
EB: oh fuck.  
EB: was i like.  
EB: doing anything.  
EB: when you.  
TG: i mean  
TG: you were just showering  
TG: but damn  
EB: phew.  
TG: dude did you beat your meat at roxys party??  
TG: what the fuck dude  
EB: we are not talking about this!!!  
TG: isnt that kinda a weird place to do it?  
TG: i mean  
TG: did you see something?  
TG: that like  
TG: yknow  
EB: everyone was in their swimsuits, dude, how could i not see something.  
EB: can we please stop talking about this.  
TG: yes  
TG: youre weird  
TG: but yes  
EB: i'm a teenage boy!  
TG: youre fucking seventeen  
TG: which is technically a teenager but still  
TG: youre not thirteen  
EB: a seventeen year old who hasn't gotten any action since i was like, 15.  
EB: obviously you don't have the same problem dude!  
EB: besides, i had to do something about it, i couldn't go back out there with a boner while our sisters were there.  
TG: but what the fuck gave you such a boner oh my god  
TG: did you just like  
TG: see a pair of wet tits and suddenly  
TG: bam  
TG: also  
TG: what the fuck dude are you calling me a slut  
EB: not a slut, dude, just luckier than me.  
EB: and no i'm not that horny, jesus.  
EB: i'm not telling you what gave me a boner, end of story!  
TG: whatever  
TG: i dont care anymore  
TG: besides i might get a boner myself if we keep talking about it  
TG: instead lets shift to a more important topic  
TG: who were you sending that to?  
EB: i take it back, let's go back to talking about the pool party.  
TG: no  
TG: now you have to tell me  
TG: because theres someone out there seeing your peen and it isnt me  
TG: and thats not okay man  
EB: oh my god, it's totally none of your business.  
TG: it totally is all of my business  
TG: theres a rule that if i know when the last time you pissed your pants was i have a right to know who youre sending nudes to  
EB: when was that established!  
EB: you made that up, i never signed anything.  
TG: its in the bro code  
EB: no it's not.  
TG: yeah  
TG: its rule number 42069666  
EB: no, you made that up, that totally came out of your ass.  
TG: the entirety of the bro code came out of my fucking ass dude  
TG: but you signed up for it the first time you called me bro  
EB: that means it's a pile of shit! i don't take orders from piles of shit!  
TG: oh yes you do  
TG: remember vriska?  
EB: uncalled for!  
TG: youre right  
TG: and ill apologize to vriska when i see her again  
TG: but i had to make a point  
EB: point not taken, i'm not telling you jack shit!  
TG: dude thats totally not fair  
TG: why are you keeping me out of your life  
TG: i just want to be a better friend  
TG: a closer buddy  
EB: dude you're being so overdramatic. you don't tell me who you send nudes to.  
TG: because i dont send nudes  
TG: i send the actual thing  
EB: well you don't tell me about where you stick your skin flute either!  
EB: not that i even want to, now that i think about it.  
TG: exactly  
TG: if you wanted to know id tell you exactly where i stick my meat thermometer  
EB: that doesn't mean i have to tell you anything!  
TG: okay  
TG: fine  
TG: dont then  
EB: oh my god, you're going to sulk now, aren't you.  
EB: you're such a weenie.  
TG: im not sulking  
EB: that's just what someone who's sulking would say.  
EB: you're so 100% sulking.  
TG: no  
EB: yes.  
EB: you are.  
TG: no  
EB: you big baby, you are!  
TG: im not  
EB: you are! stop denying it.  
EB: you're being a baby because you don't know who's seeing my dick.  
TG: nobody should be seeing your dick  
EB: what about me?  
EB: do i have to close my eyes when i jack off?  
EB: and in the shower?  
TG: okay  
TG: you can see your dick  
EB: right. and if i go to the hospital or something?  
EB: and they need to strip me right now immediately.  
EB: what then?  
EB: do the surgeons have to close their eyes?  
EB: what about if it's an accident, what's the punishment?  
TG: i can see your peen  
TG: and so can anyone wanting to heal your body professionally  
TG: in a medical way  
TG: and you can see your peen  
TG: and thats about it  
TG: the punishment for people who see it by accident is a nasty look from me  
EB: why are you suddenly the knight of my peen's honor?  
TG: i have always been the knight of your peens honor  
TG: i just never had to exert my power before  
TG: because i thought nobody was seeing your peen  
EB: ye of little faith!  
EB: i totally could've been having crazy monkey sex all this time.  
TG: youre such a weirdo  
TG: also no  
TG: i dont think so  
TG: i mean maybe with vriska  
EB: ;B  
EB: you never said anything when i actually had a girlfriend, so what's the deal now?  
TG: well  
TG: vriska was never a threat  
TG: i knew you guys wouldnt last  
EB: wow you really have no faith in my sexual endeavors.  
TG: well  
TG: the sex itself wasnt the issue  
TG: you guys were just absolutely terrible for each other  
EB: yeah, but she was hot.  
TG: there are hotter people in your friend circle  
EB: pffft. maybe. but no one who would flash their boobs at me.  
EB: besides, that's over now.  
TG: there are plenty of people who would flash their boobs at you  
TG: however  
TG: half of them are very flat in the chest area  
EB: well, i don't know. they all have pretty big boobs when i think about it.  
EB: not that i do that regularly or anything.  
EB: besides, who cares if they're flat chested, dude, how rude.  
EB: someone is flashing me and i'm going to appreciate it!  
TG: i mean  
TG: im not being rude  
TG: karkat and i are pretty flat  
EB: pffft. right. of course. how could i forget you ladies!  
TG: yeah  
TG: if anything you were being rude for excluding us you jerk  
EB: right, cause you guys are going to flash me. i'm such a massive jerk.  
TG: we totally would flash you  
TG: weve flashed each other in the past  
EB: pffft. what did you do, stand around and pull up your shirts at each other and giggle like loonies?  
TG: totally dude  
TG: that went down exactly like that  
EB: can you hear me rolling my eyes? because i am.  
EB: i'm not really sure where you were going with that.  
TG: me neither  
TG: its late and im tired  
EB: it's like, midnight. harden up!  
EB: burn the midnight oil, dude.  
TG: shut up man  
TG: im gonna start saying weird shit  
EB: like you don't always say weird shit.  
TG: true  
TG: i guess there wont be a difference  
EB: probably not.  
EB: your questions do get really weird when you're tired, though.  
EB: what's up with that?  
TG: i have less of myself actively censoring myself when im tired  
TG: so things go through unfiltered  
EB: i underappreciated the part of you that censors yourself, clearly.  
EB: you never know what you have until it's gone.  
TG: actually  
TG: uncensored dave is about as honest as he is gross  
TG: so uncensored dave is your real friend  
EB: well uncensored dave is fucking weird sometimes. reign it in, dude.  
TG: shut up man  
TG: you clearly dont appreciate my art of spoken word  
EB: did you think for even a second that i did?  
TG: no  
TG: you know who does appreciate my art of spoken word though  
EB: is there such a person?  
TG: nope  
EB: pffft.  
EB: poor, unappreciated dave.  
EB: you lead such a tough life.  
TG: obviously not  
TG: i actually get laid  
TG: youre the pathetic one  
EB: oh, fuck you.  
EB: wait, who are you sleeping with?  
TG: oh  
TG: so you want to know now?  
EB: bluh, maybe.  
EB: i didn't realize you meant like, _currently_. i thought you were being facetious.  
TG: of course im sleeping with people currently  
TG: not many but i am  
EB: how come you never told me about this?  
TG: probably for the same reason you never told me you were taking nude-y rude-y pictures of yourself  
EB: oh my god. i thought we'd stopped talking about this.  
TG: nope not even close  
EB: brb, i'm going to go bleach my brain out.  


  


\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 01:21 --   



End file.
